SelfhelpMagazine

by Dr. Al Cooper and Dr. Coralie Scherer

Marriage Advice: Is Communication The Problem?

You have been married eight years longing to receive oral sex from your husband and you haven't expressed this desire to your husband. I am curious to know what you fear might happen if you asked for what you want sexually from your husband. Answer these questions:

• Are you able to talk with him about other aspects of your lovemaking?
• You have willingly pleasured him with oral sex throughout the course of your marriage. I wonder if you are resentful that he does not reciprocate?
• If you are resentful, does your anger manifest itself in some way that you are aware of in your relationship?

How You Can Begin Communication

• You might tell your husband you need to talk with him about something important that is missing in your sexual relationship. (It might be helpful to start this conversation by telling him the things you enjoy and appreciate about your sexual relationship with him.)
• Ask him how he feels about cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman) or if he has ever practiced it with another partner. This is probably where you need to start.
• If he is adamantly against it for some reason (e.g. it is "sinful," dirty or disgusting to him), you may need to seek therapy with a knowledgeable sex therapist. If he refuses, go alone and tell him that you fully intend to discuss all the details with the porfessional. When you come home, if he is like most partners, he will sooner or later ask to hear the details of what was discussed. At that point, you might consider not saying a word about it. Many partners do not give that "personal" information to their partners - and instead, let them wait a few days. Then invite him (or her) to attend the next meeting with that professional, where they can see and hear for themselves what transpires. This approach to dealing with a reluctant partner is usually more successful than arguing over attendance.

Until you discuss his thinking, feelings and past history in relation to cunnilingus, you probably won't be able to have your desire fulfilled. Eight years is a long time to feel unfulfilled in an important intimate area of your relationship. I am happy you asked for marriage advice on this issue. You may have long standing issues stemming from a belief that you can't ask for what you want or that you don't deserve to have your needs met. Don't waste another year of your life wondering about this important issue. Get some help now. Call today!

About the Author:

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, ran the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.