SelfhelpMagazine

by Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW

Defining intimacy is no straightforward task. Its meaning varies from relationship to relationship, and within relationships over time.

In some relationships, intimacy issues are entwined with sex, and feelings of closeness may be connected or confused with sexual feelings. In other relationships, intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.

In any case, intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship. But, even without a specific definition, it seems clear that intimacy and healthy relationships go hand in hand. Indeed, intimacy is a basic ingredient in any meaningful relationship.

The Meaning of Intimacy

Spread throughout this article are questions designed to help you think about and explore intimacy in your relationship.

You can think about and answer these questions on your own. Or, you can discuss and think about these questions with your romantic partner and, in this way, use the article to both explore and think about intimacy, and as an experience in intimacy.

Question: Think about the meaning of intimacy. If you'd like, refer to a dictionary, read a book or article on the subject of intimacy, or check out the Internet. Then define intimacy in your own words: what five behaviors, things, events, or interactions do you most identify with intimacy?

Question: In what way has the nature of intimacy changed in your relationship since you first became a couple?

Keeping Intimacy Alive

Intimacy in a relationship cannot be a thing of the past. Healthy relationships continue through choice, implying a continual re-commitment to and renewal of the relationship, and a constant freshness. Intimacy is also something that must be re-created from moment to moment within the relationship.

Question: What five things represent intimacy for you?

Question: What five things represent intimacy for your partner?

Question: What was the most intimate aspect of your relationship in its earliest days?

Question: What's the most intimate aspect of your current relationship?

Question: In terms of intimacy in your relationship, what's changed, and why?

Question: What five activities can keep or re-introduce intimacy in your relationship?

Elusive Intimacy Issues

"While the one eludes," wrote the poet Robert Browning, "must the other pursue." The novelist, John Fowles, described relationships as two pendulums swinging in the same plane. When they swing together there is a maximum of comfort and a minimum of passion.

Passion results when they collide, swing apart, and collide once again, as long as the pendulums don't swing apart so violently that their connection breaks and they fly off in opposite directions. Browning and Fowles are describing a delicate "dance" between partners, a rhythm beneath the relationship.

Question: In what ways do you draw your partner close, and consciously try to attract your partner? Think of four things you do to draw your partner closer.

Question: What things do you do that push your partner away? Think of 4 things you do to move away from your partner.

Question: Do you move in harmony, or are you constantly moving in opposite directions -- when one of you is moving closer, is the other moving away?

Question: What are 3 things that your partner does to draw you in, and what 3 things keep you away?

Exploring Intimacy

Explore different ways of maintaining or re-introducing intimacy into your relationship, keeping in mind the delicate dance -- the rhythm of your intimacy.

Make a list of at least 10 acts of intimacy. This can include anything that you both agree would be intimate and might include sex, massages, moonlight walks, reminiscing over old photos, and enjoying a meal together.

Question: What is the role of intimacy in your relationship?

Question: Can you plan to be intimate with your partner every day for 7 days, using your list of 10 intimate acts? There is an artificial quality to this sort of situation, in which you have to ensure an intimate component to your relationship on a daily basis, but the point of this exercise is to make intimacy something about which you consciously think.

Question: What will it take to keep intimacy alive in your relationship?

Question(s): Do you see the type of intimacy that is important to your relationship changing over time? If so, in what ways? How will intimacy be different over time? How will it be the same?
Conclusion

In some relationships , intimacy never dies; in others, it is related to a passion that dies down and disappears over time. What represents intimacy for one person and in one relationship, varies from person to person and relationship to relationship.

This article has helped you to think about the meaning and quality of intimacy in your relationship. What is important is not creating a "set" definition of your intimacy issues, but learning what they mean in your relationship and learning to keep intimacy alive.

References:

Barnett, D. (1995). 20 Communication Tips for Couples. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Gray, J. (1994). What Your Mother Didn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know: Advanced Relationship Skills for Better Communication and Lasting Intimacy. New York: HarperCollins.

Rankin, H. (1998). Ten Steps to a Great Relationship. Hilton Head Island, SC: Stepwise Press.

Rich, P., & Copans, S. (1998). The Healing Journey for Couples: Your Journal of Mutual Discovery. New York: John Wiley.

Van Ekeren, G. (2000). 12 Simple Secrets of Happiness: Finding Joy in Everyday Relationships. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

About the Author:

Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW is the author of "Understanding, Assessing, and Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders," the eight books in "The Healing Journey" series of self help journaling books, and two books in the "Therapy Homework Planner," series, all of which are published by John Wiley & Sons. He is the Clinical Director of the Stetson School, a long-term residential treatment program for sexually reactive children and juvenile sexual offenders.