by Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D.

When you've experienced a holiday death, it can are alarming or downright upsetting to see holiday cheer being sold at your neighborhood grocery or department stores, as early as the day after Halloween!

The lost a life partner, child, parent, or other loved one is one of life's greatest tragedies, and facing reminders of how your feelings don't fit in those being mass-marketed everywhere you look can be overwhelming, nerve-wracking and depressing.

From rage to utter despair, one's emotions can run the gamut, and circle back again, all within the short span of a single "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock."

Holiday Death: Emotions Triggered by External Events

From holiday lights going up on surrounding neighbor's lawns, to TV ads touting good cheer every 20-30 minutes, it's hard to escape the constant reminders that we are suppose to be happy.

Add the normal flux of emotions that fill most family gatherings during this season, and the perfect ingredients for a blow-up and melt-down are difficult to be found. Holidays coinciding with a tragic loss often lead to contradictory emotions that are amplified 1,000 fold for those of us barely managing to hang on.

Not only are we expected to gather with family and friends and "be of good cheer," we are expected to be thankful, thoughtful and generous toward others. This can be a tall order, indeed, if we are still stricken with our own sadness, possibly depressed; if we are still working through feelings of anger at the world and a sense of injustice related to our lost loved one.

If you've just weathered a funeral, or have all-too-vivid memories of a recent one last year or the year before, we may still feel raw about the behavior of some family members. From rifts in family relationships to financial limitations imposed by unexpected funeral costs, our desire to join others to celebrate might be just too much to consider.

Other family members might also be grieving in their own ways, perhaps ways that don't coincide with ours. Watching uncle Benny down a fifth of scotch and shimmy with his new girl friend might prove entertaining for some family members, while others feel the need to fill the void with expensive yet insensitive gifts or gluttonous meals with a "taste" of over a dozen desserts.

To top it all off, we might truly be be feeling like the last people we want to see are those who have just openly criticized us because of our choice of the casket, or some other such decision. We may so upset that we prefer to be alone rather then risk saying the wrong thing and being further misunderstood by others.

But even for those of us who have perhaps resolved some of these feelings and issues, the holiday season may be fraught with emotional pain. This is because our best and worst memories are often generated in the crucible of holiday celebration.

Holiday Death: Emotions Triggered by Internal Factors

As the holidays come upon us we are both unconsciously and consciously reminded of our lost loved one. An intense yearning for this person can be triggered five, ten even thirty times in one day. Getting through such a day can seem like an unbearable task, and it often is. A nap, rather than an outing to shop for gifts might be more healing.

Holiday Death: Solutions

The holidays: Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, and Kwanza share the common theme of celebrating the winter months by finding/creating light in the darkness.

For the bereaved, finding the light in the darkness can serve as a powerful metaphor for the healing process. What the light will represent will depend on the individual. It could be the following:

• It may be a heightened sense of peace and acceptance
• It may be finding a balance between sadness and hope for the future
• It may mean finding some enjoyment in one or two aspects of the season and accepting that experience as being enough
• It may mean simply surviving the holiday season largely intact, and heaving a sigh of welcome relief with it's passing.

All of these types of light are fine. Just as there is no one way to experience loss there is no one way to find one's way through the holidays.

A large part of finding the light consists in making friends with and even managing the darkness. What does this mean? First it means, realizing in advance that the holidays WILL be different, that there will be feelings of sadness and loss, as well as memories which may be happy, but poignant. Mixtures of emotions are often all we have. To honor them by giving them expression is a path to healing. Grief-filled joy and joy-filled grief are normal emotions for those recovering from tragic loss during a holiday.

Even if those around you are not able to drop their expectations that you will be appropriately "cheerful," you can change your expectations for yourself. Refusing an invitation, or accepting one with the up-front agreement that you will be leaving early without public announcement or fanfare (or fuss) is another way to set boundaries for yourself; to give you the time and space to do what feels right for you.

Without warning, memories of special traditions with our lost beloved can be triggered: their favorite music, ornaments, foods, drinks, activities. The associated painful memories might not be expected, yet require as much attention as any other uninvited guest.

Allowing oneself the time to journal or call a friend to talk about each of these experiences is probably one of the few ways of dissipating them so they won't keep returning, yet how many people respect themselves enough to take that sort of time?

The truth is the recurrent emotional reactions are demands by our inner selves to attend to something. The sooner that attention is properly given, the pain will dissipate. Take the time to jot down a few words to describe the event and the emotion.

If sadness is present, let yourself cry. If anger is present, write down the angry words. Capture your loneliness with a sound, draw it, color it, use your body to form its shape.

Once expressed, those feelings often dissipate. Put a soft cloth over your face, rest your body on your bed, and start whispering "no. no, no, no...." See what emotions come out. It's an experiment. If it doesn't help you, stop and seek the help of a professional. If it helps dissolve your pain, do it whenever you need, and watch yourself get stronger with time!

Unbeknown to many people, giving expression to these feelings is the one true path to finding healing. If you find that you have the opposite problem, and can't stop having emotional reactions, your task is to distract yourself with other, non-stimulating activities. If you can't on your own, once again, it's time to seek the aid of a professional.

Finding new traditions, from baking a new type of cookie, to attending an new afternoon matinee, or attending a different church service or function - these are all ways for you to accept your loss and make the holiday yours, and not just giving in to the wishes of others.

Even if you bake a new recipe or go to an event you won't care to repeat, the act of choosing somethign different is healing. It is an act of you claiming power over your situation.

Finding what you want, how you choose to have your own holiday. that is, creating your own life experience will go a long way in freeing you from an unnecessary sense of having failed to please those around you.

This means not only the expectations of the living, but also those which are so often projected on to the dead. Even if your lost loved one would have 'wanted you to be happy,' you do not have to be happy. Perhaps happiness will return in a year or two -- all you have to do now is acknowledge and accept the feelings that you are having.

Holiday Death: Dealing with Others Who Don't Understand

In the same vein, you can help family and friends to alter their expectations of you by releasing them from the responsibility of SEEING to it that you have a good time. You might do something symbolic yet tangible to respect their good intention yet get yourself off the hook of doing things they choose for you.

One well-accepted trick is to give them each a slip of paper that serve as "vouchers" or "rain checks" to be cashed in at a later time to invite you to an alternative activity (of both your choosing) later in the year.

By letting others know what you want and making it clear that they are not responsible for taking charge if your holidays, you may experience greater inner peace, harmony and acceptance.

Knowing how much time you feel you want to spend with others and how much time you want to have to yourself can also be crucial. Make plans which will give you the balance between private time and social that feels right. If possible, choose to be with those who are best able to support you at this time in your life.

Be pro-active: Send people you'd rather not see now a holiday card and ask them to contact you "after the holidays" to get together (or chat on the phone). Most of them will get the message. Have a ready stock of "extra vouchers" for those who are hard of hearing.

  Holiday Death: Support Groups

Use your bereavement support system if you have established one. If not, join the SelfhelpMagazine online "Death of a Loved One" Community Forum, where you will meet other people who are going through the same thing right now.

Often face-to-face support groups and therapy are suspended over the holiday season, the very time when they are most needed. Use online groups as much as needed, make plans to stay in touch with one or two face-to-face support group members over the season, and know how to contact your therapist in case you are feeling overwhelmed.

Making a space to actively remember the lost loved one is also important. You might want to acknowledge your memories privately in a journal, or a letter to the dead person. A grave side visit or a visit to your church or synagogue may be helpful.

For families and friends it can be very useful to include a memorial activity in the holiday plans. This could be as simple as talking about the dead person or could involve honoring the person in your traditional holiday ceremonies.

Finding a balance between your need for support and other's needs for your involvement in the activities of the present will also be helpful as you navigate the holiday social calendar. It is important to remember that the holidays are difficult for many.

You may find that being attentive to the thoughts and ideas of others will provide you with some relief from your own sadness, and help you to feel more connected to the present and less drawn to the past.

Holiday Death: Giving is the Ultimate Solution

Finally, it is often giving that helps to ease the pain of loss. There are many positive ways of giving which can also allow you to continue your healing process. And don't forget that it is also OK to give to yourself. Treat yourself to something special -- it doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive, it just needs to feel right. Give yourself the time to process your emotions, as discussed above, alone, with trusted friends or family, or with a professional if needed. Ask for help - that's a form of giving to yourself, too!

Think of it this way, if your friend (or sister) called you next holiday to help him or her through a rough evening alone after their loved one passe on, how would you feel? Imposed upon or honored and happy to help?

As the time between your loss and the present grows, the holidays generally become easier to manage. But it is likely that you will find that creating light in the dark season will be a continued source of comfort, linking you not only to your lost loved one, but to the very heart of the holiday season.

About the Author:

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.