by Connie Saindon, MA, MFCC, CTS

Grief is a normal reaction to someone who has suffered a loss.   If you are grieving you are probably having a number of responses that are completely healthy.

 Healthy Grief Responses:

• Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest
• Feel thumping, erratic beats in the heart and are very aware of heart actions
• Have an empty feeling in their stomach and loss (or gain) of appetite
• Have pain and/or nausea in stomach
• Feel restless and look for activity, but have difficulty concentrating
• Feel in a trance, want to just sit and stare
• Feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen; (this may include trying to find the loved one)
• Feel light headed and dizzy often
• Sense the loved one's presence ( this may include expecting the person to walk in the door at the usual time, or hearing his/her voice, or seeing his/her face)
• Have headaches frequently
• Wander aimlessly, forget and don't finish things they've started to do around the house
• Have difficulty sleeping, and have dreams or visions of their loved one frequently
• Assume mannerisms or traits of the loved one
• Feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn't happen in the relationship

These are all normal grief responses.

Additional Grief Responses And How To Cope:

• Disbelief:
  You expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. You can't cry, because you don't believe it.
• Shock:
  Nature softens the blow, temporarily. You are numb and dazed. Your emotions are frozen. You go through the motions, like a robot.
• Crying:
  Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as loud sobbing and crying. Give yourself time for tears. They can help.
• Physical Symptoms:
  You may sleep or eat too little or too much. You may have physical aches, pains, numbness, or weakness. Check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Usually the symptoms fade gradually.
• Denial:
  You know the fact of death but you forget. You expect your loved one to telephone or walk in the door. You search for him/her.
• Why:
  "Why did he/she have to die?" You don't expect an answer, but you need to ask repeatedly. The question itself is a cry of pain.
• Repeating:
  Over and over again, you tell the same story, think the same thoughts. Repeating helps you to absorb the painful reality.
• Self-Control:
  You control your emotions to fulfill your responsibilities or to rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but constant rigid self-control can block healing.
• Reality:
  "It really happened." You feel you're getting worse. Actually, reality has just hit, and support from friends and family may be diminishing.
• Confusion:
  You can't think. You forget in mid-sentence. You are disorganized and impatient.
• Idealizing:
  You remember only good traits, as if your loved one was perfect. You find it hard to accept the not-so-perfect living. Your loved one's idiosyncrasies or imperfect traits become endearing reminders of their realness, humanness.
• Identifying:
  Wanting to stay close, you copy your loved one's style of dress, hobbies, interests, or habits. You may carry a special object of his or hers.
• Envy:
  You envy others. Their pleasure in their loved ones makes you feel keenly what you have lost. They don't deserve their good fortune.
• Frustration:
  Your past fulfillment's are gone. You haven't found new ones yet. You feel you're not coping with grief "right."
• Bitterness:
  Temporary feelings of resentment and hatred, especially toward those in some way responsible for your loss, are natural. But, habitual bitterness can drain energy and block healing.
• Waiting:
  The struggle is over, but your zest has not returned. You are in limbo, exhausted, uncertain. Life seems flat.
• Hope:
  You believe you will get better. The good days out balance the bad. Sometimes you can work effectively, enjoy activities, and really care for others.
• Missing:
  You never stop missing your loved one. Particular days, places, and activities can bring back the pain as intensely as ever.
• Commitment:
  You know you have a choice. Life won't be the same, but you decide to actively begin building a new life for yourself.
• Seeking:
  You take initiative, renewing your involvement with former friends and activities, and exploring new involvements.
• Hanging On:
  Some days you hang on to the grief, which is familiar. Letting go is more a final good-bye to your loved one. You let go gradually.
• Peace:
  You can reminisce about your loved one with a sense of peace. You feel able to accept the death and face your own future.
• Life Opens Up:
  Life has value and meaning again. You can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. You are willing to let the rest of your life be all it can be.

About the Author:

Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT has been a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist since 1979. In addition to providing services for Individuals, couples and families, Ms. Saindon is among the few specialists in the field of violent death bereavement. Founder the Survivors of Violent Death Program and volunteer faculty at the University of California Medical School Department of Psychiatry, she is author of The Journey, Violent Death Bereavement: Adult Survivors Workbook and contributing author of Violent Death: Resilience and Intervention beyond the Crisis. To reach her, please see this page.