Self-help Articles

by Christine Longmore

Giving and receiving are the basic ingredients for most relationships, but it is a rare relationship that is based more on intentions of giving instead of receiving. "What have you done for me lately?" seems to be the question everyone is asking their boyfriend, wife, or significant other these days.

Maybe a better question to ask would be, "What have I done to deserve something good in return?" In our efforts to find and maintain loving relationships, many of us behave as if we are bargain hunting. "How can I get more for less?"

Love is a noun in the dictionary. Loving is a verb -- an action word. The act of loving someone is something that has to be done, not just said.

One mistake many people make is paying too much attention to mainstream media and its collective definition of love. The popular talk shows and shock shows are hosted by people who understand and capitalize on knowing what the public wants to see and hear.

Talk shows and shock shows are packaging exactly that, and delivering it to the public religiously. It's about their bottom line.

We would all do well to re-examine and re-define our definition of love from time to time. Ask yourself if you could be a more loving man or woman. Like the old saying goes, " you get more bees with honey than with vinegar."

The lack of forgiveness gets in the way of the positive flow of love. Did you ever notice how forgiving children can be? Did you ever wonder why growing up makes people lose that gift? Or forget how to use it?

It takes much more energy and causes more stress to hold something against someone than it does to forgive and forget. There are of course things that can only be forgiven from afar. If someone doesn't treat you right again and again you can forgive them and forget them too.

Self esteem deficiencies are also an obstacle to giving and receiving love. It is impossible to love someone who doesn't love himself. It is impossible to be loved if you don't first love yourself.

It is possible though, through giving love, to help someone learn to love her self. I personally know of a couple who helped each other kick a bad drug habit by first getting help, then supporting and loving each other through the process.

Trying to help someone change and trying to change someone are very different things. Believing that one person can change another can be a trap that two people easily fall into.

One person ends up supplying all the love for both people and eventually gets tired of working overtime. Women in particular seem to make this mistake often. I've been there.

Trying to change someone looks like devoted, unconditional love on the surface. However, it is really a safe and socially acceptable way of focusing attention on everyone and everything else. This is done in order to avoid the more difficult task of looking inside at one's own needs and issues that require tending to first.

Giving and receiving are healthy

Giving itself is good and healthy. It is a sign of strength. Giving too much or giving without ever receiving something in return, means you are giving to the wrong person.

I've seen people, usually women, who are just like the tree in the children's story about the boy and the giving tree. They end up like the tree -- nothing left but a stump to lean on. Which is fine for a tree but not so great for a person.

Many people who are searching for their "true love" become so focused on that, they miss other opportunities to give and receive love. I'm not talking about the chocolate mousse kind of love that makes you weak in the knees, just the plain old instant pudding kind of love that is all around us. It still counts for something.

Heart Fitness Quiz

If you can't answer "yes" to at least one of the following questions, you may be guilty of denying your heart the exercise it truly needs.

• Are you a loving neighbor?
• Are you a loving parent, aunt, or uncle?
• Do your parents love you?
• Do you have a loving friend?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, start counting your blessings today. If you can't answer yes to at least one of these questions, you may be suffering from a love deficiency.

Whatever your case may be, if you have a history of failed relationships or aren't happy with the one you are in, change something. Since it is easier to change yourself than trying to change others, the man or woman in the mirror is a good place to start.

Some people look for people who have the same negative traits. There are other people who find in others negative traits that complement theirs. Together they become a couple known to many as co-dependents.

Complementing negative traits, like a man who acts like a child and a woman who mothers people too much, provides comfort in a dysfunctional way usually because it's familiar or has been learned. Positive traits like giving and receiving are far healthier.