SelfhelpMagazine

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Thanks for writing. It takes courage to ask for help about these sorts of feelings. Gay counseling can be useful in this type of situation.

It's unfortunate but not surprising that you feel disgust after fantasizing about men. Most of the world still looks negatively at sex between men, and that attitude is conveyed in innumerable ways. When we grow up and are surrounded by negative attitudes, it's too easy to inflict them on ourselves. It is, however, possible to change what you tell yourself about sex with men (whether real or imagined).

I wonder why you've only had sex with men after the end of relationships with women. Is it possible you view sex with men negatively and are punishing yourself for the breakups? Or telling yourself you're not good enough for relationships with women?

I suggest that the crucial issue here is not about what you do, either in fantasy or for real. Instead, what's important is dealing with those feelings of disgust and regret. You may want to seek professional assistance. If so, make sure the person you consult is trained and open-minded about issues of sexual orientation and behavior. You may want to contact the nearest gay counseling center for names of therapists.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.