Belong in Gay Community but Faking Heterosexuality

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Question: I am an adult child of homosexual parents. I'm gay too, but married and trying to fake it. My father knew he was gay before his marriage, but was told by a psychiatrist to shun the gay community and get married. He had an affair with a male friend while he was married to my mother, and came out of the closet when I was about 21 years old. That's when my parents got divorced. My mother is a lesbian, but still in the closet despite a series of relationships with women since the divorce.

It feels awfully lonely in this spot. Can you direct me to resources related to this type of situation? I'd also like to communicate with others from similar situations. Thanks for your help.

My heart goes out to you--you sound like you're in considerable pain. It makes sense that you're "faking it." After all, that's what both your parents did.

I suggest you look for two kinds of resources: (1) those for people who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual and are or have been heterosexually married; and (2) resources for children of lesbian, gay, and bisexual parents. PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is one good starting place. Many of their local chapters have groups or other gay community services for people in your situation. You can reach their national headquarters at PFLAGNTL@aol.com.

You might also contact Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) at kidsofgays@aol.com, or the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition International at famvalues@aol.com.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.

Originally published 03/13/98
Revised 11/20/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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