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Do You Recognize This Fear Of Commitment?

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by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

 
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for three and half years. We have a good relationship, but he has a fear of commitment and just isn't ready to commit to me.

My question is if he is not ready after three years, do you think he will ever be ready? And if so, will that lucky lady be me?

He has told me that he does not see himself getting married any day soon. Should I stay and hope he will change his mind or should I let go?

Your boyfriend seems to be giving you a clear message that you do not want to accept. He says that he does not see himself getting married any day soon and yet you seem to difficulty accepting what he says.

You can choose to spend more time hanging around hoping that he will change his mind. However, you will have no one else to blame if your gamble does not work out the way you hope.

Contrary to conventional mythology, there is more than one person in the world who is right for each of us. I know that flies in the face of the romantic notion that we are each destined for a particular person.

If you want to find someone who is right for you, you may be better off seeking someone who is also looking for marriage. You have already invested three years in this relationship; it might be time to move on.

Your someone right may be just around the corner. If your boyfriend loses his fear of commitment somewhere down the road, and you are still available, you can always re-evaluate your decision.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

Originally published 3/5/98
Revised 1/16/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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Liz
Posted on Thu, 03/31/2011 - 20:13

I got engaged to my 6 years best friend and we used to get along very well. I had some feelings for him right before he confessed he had feeling too, yet after the engagement those feeling disappeared from my side and we started to fight. I fluctuate from day to day. One day I want him, the next I don't. sometimes I feel am afraid of commitment or I feel I don't love him or I feel I am not physically attracted and some other times I feel I want to be with him, I enjoy his company and can imagine how well we will get along after marriage.

Then a silly thought pops up about the fear of not being happy after marriage and eventually getting a divorce.

I don't want to leave him yet I can't move a step forward and I am really hurting him this way.