SelfhelpMagazine

by Marlene M. Maheu Ph.D.

Jerry works diligently on his Quickbooks program until his wife goes to bed. As she says goodnight and goes up the stairs to their bedroom, he can feel his excitement mounting. She is unaware of his cybersex addiction.

As he makes his way to his favorite "singles" chat room. He is looking for *SweetRoll*, a woman he met last night. He is hopeful, but not overly concerned, because he knows that if she isn't there, someone else will be. And it doesn't really matter who is there, he knows he'll manage to find stimulating conversation.

Several hours later, he lies awake in bed, listening to his wife's breathing. He tries not to feel his hunger for real sexual contact, and stares into the darkness, wondering what went wrong.

If you or someone you love is showing the signs of cybersexual addiction, here's how you can try to help yourself. These suggestions are based on techniques proven to be effective with a number of other addictive processes.

If you don't succeed, try again, and make an effort to talk to more and more people about your efforts. Getting support for changing addictive patterns is a fundamental key to success. As one addiction expert once stated, *We are as sick as our secrets.*

Ten Ideas For Those With A Cybersex Addiction

1. Ask yourself why your are seeking this stimulation online. What is missing from your real life offline? If you are in a committed relationship, is something not happening that you need to make happen?
2. Get a reality check from a friend or friends. Tell them about your online activities and ask them what they see about your life that might explain your motivations. Friends often see things we cannot see in ourselves.
3. Decide what types of websites/chat rooms, newsgroups will be acceptable for you when you are online. Make an agreement with yourself that if you violate this plan, you will take yourself offline completely for at least 2 weeks.
4. Tell a friend of your plan to stay offline, and ask them to support you by asking questions about how and when you are successfully avoiding urges; encouraging other activities in the face-to-face world; and keeping you positively focused on how you are overcoming many more urges than not. Avoid making them your police - they are to support your every positive step, not make your life miserable if you slip.
5. If you have gone as far as to be meeting with a specific person repeatedly, tell that person you want to stop meeting.
6. While offline, take a piece of paper (do this!) and keep track of the thoughts and feelings you have about avoiding online sex and or online sexual relationship/affairs. Note the circumstances that generate the most urges to go online. Looking for new ways to enrich your face to face life is also critical. Take up a new activity, sport, hobby, club, or go to a support group meeting of some sort.
7. Before allowing yourself to go back online for anything other than work, decide where you will go and what your maximum amount of leisure time will be online. Set an alarm for when you will log off.
8. If you find you cannot control yourself and wander into flirting, sexual conversing, or any other early sexual behavior such as getting aroused or masturbating, only allow yourself to be online for work (only if required) and to seek the help of an online support group, and/or an online class for online sexual addiction. While in this group or class, ask for support as outlined in #4 above. You may want to check websites for the next CyberSexual Addiction course being offered to the general public at affordable prices.
9. If you are in a relationship, tell your partner what you would like to create (not what you find missing) in your relationship, and try to make that happen with him/her. Schedule a time when you will have an official date, and say the things that you've been avoiding - but be sure to remember the rules of common courtesy and kindness. Remember that your partner isn't likely to want to be sexual if you go into detail about how he or she is defective. Stress the things you like, and build upon those aspects of your relationship.
10. If these sources of self-help do not work, seek the help of a professional who has expertise in compulsivity and/or addictions. Since cybersex addiction is a new area of treatment, you find it easiest to start with someone who has a broad base of training in addictions, and with whom you can converse freely about your experience.

    For a list of professionals who might be able to help in your local area, call your local professional psychology association amnd ask for a specialist in sexual addiction. Most cities have a psychological association.

    For example, if your city is Atlanta, your local psychological association is most likely called the "Atlanta Psychological Association." Give that a try, and if it doesn't work, try calling information or looking it up in your yellow page directory.

    As for asking for a cybersex rather than a sexual addiction specialist, it might help you to know that most sex addiction specialists are also cybersex addiction specialists - because most sex addicts go online to meet their need for cheap, readily available pornography. Any sex addict specialist, then, must be familiar with the cybersex addiction world and what it brings to sex addicts.

    If you have any other ideas or suggestions for readers, please leave them in the comment box below!

About the Author:

Dr. Maheu is an author, speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of "E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success" co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.

She has also been the lead author on these two books: "Infidelity on the Internet" and "The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies."