Self-help Articles

by Jaime R. DeLisio, M.A.

I am attracted to you. I advance toward you. You turn away from me, so I stop pursuing you. Now you are attracted to me. I turn away from you, so you stop pursuing me. The pattern then repeats.

This is the classic romantic pursuit exercise. Go to any bar in any city across the world and you’ll see it in action. Psychologists call it the “attraction-rejection game.” It’s based on the idea that you experience an increased desire for something when the ability to get or keep that thing is limited. In short, you’re thrilled by the chase.

In this article, you’ll find out the rules of the attraction-rejection game and what makes you want to play. You’ll also get some tips to help you get on top of the competition!

How to Play

The attraction-rejection game is not necessarily restricted to romantic pursuits -- it’s in play any time two sides pursue each other, making and rejecting offers. In the context of a romantic pursuit, the attraction-rejection game can be played any time one person is attracted to another. For example:

• Boy is attracted to girl and makes eye contact.
• Girl returns eye contact (pursuit).
• Boy looks away (rejection).
• Girl looks away (retreat).
• Boy looks at girl and holds eye contact for a longer time (pursuit).
• Boy looks away again (rejection).
• Girl goes over to boy to say hello (pursuit).
• Boy pretends he’s not interested (rejection).

There are two major criteria that must exist for the attraction-rejection game to start:

1. The person (a.k.a. the “thing”) must seem difficult to possess. Things that are difficult to get are typically perceived as better than those that are easy to get. You often use an item’s availability to help you quickly determine its quality.
2. Access to the person must be limited so as to restrict freedom. As the things you want become more and more difficult to possess, you lose freedoms, which makes you feel a nagging sense of diminishing control. This game requires that the people playing feel that their choices are limited by the situation. When you feel you can’t have something, you want it even more.

What Makes You Want to Play the Attraction Game
The attraction-rejection game is based on J.W. Brehm’s psychological reactance theory. This theory says that, whenever your freedoms are threatened, the need to retain them makes you want those freedoms significantly more than before. The psychological reactance theory relates to the scarcity principle: you want what is difficult to get now and may be impossible to get later.

It’s important to point out that you rarely recognize that you’re playing this game -- all you know is that you want something badly. Still, you need to make sense of your burning desire, so you begin to assign it positive qualities. For example, let’s say you become attracted to a married man -- someone you can’t totally “have.” To make sense of this attraction, you tell yourself that you like him because of his many admirable qualities. You fail to realize that you may be attracted to him simply because he’s unavailable.

Tips to Help You “Win”

Played well, the attraction-rejection game is like fishing -- try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away. Chase someone too enthusiastically and that person will feel overwhelmed … then it’s game over.

It’s also game over when one person runs away too fast. So, be careful not to retreat too far and too fast when you’re interested in someone. They could give up and end the game early. The attraction-rejection game should be a subtle dance. It’s often useful to play for a short time and then pause to see if the other person is still playing!

The tips above apply not only to romantic pursuits, but also to any attempt at persuasion using the attraction-rejection game. Advertisers, for instance, are big players in this game. Buyers and sellers dance around each other making and rejecting advances and offers. Since this game operates powerfully on the worth assigned to things, advertisers often tell you that they are “selling out fast” or that “prices will never be this low again” in an effort to make you desire their products more. And it often works!

So, whether you like to visit bars or department stores, you can be a spectator of the attraction-rejection game every day. You may even be surprised to realize that you are also a major player!

References and Recommended Readings

Brehm, J. W. (1966). A Theory of Psychological Reactance. New York: Academic Press.

Brehm, S.S., & Brehm, J. (1981) Psychological Reactance. New York: Academic Press.

Brock, T., & Green, M. (2005). Persuasion: Psychological Insights and Perspectives
(p. 158-159). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications, Inc.

Cialdini, R.B. (2001.) Influence: Science and Practice (4th ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

About the Author:

Jaime R. DeLisio, M.A. has a Master’s degree in Communication with a focus on the practical applications of theory. She’s put her knowledge to work in careers as a broadcast news writer and senior advertising copywriter. Jaime is obsessed with the “hows” and “whys” of life and loves getting people interested in what’s behind the psychological curtain.