SelfhelpMagazine

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Attachment is one of those issues that everyone talks about but few understand. Most of us have seen movies of the week that depict troubled teens and adults who experienced severe abuse or total abandonment as children, or read about serial killers who have horrible life stories.

Those cases are the extremes, and no doubt related to early victimization. Subtler cases that create problems just as damaging are more common. Well-meaning parents may use outdated methods of child rearing that inadvertently lead to problems for their children in later life. This is often the case in children who have insecure or distorted attachments, rather than those completely absent of attachments.

Larry Brentro, Martin Brokenleg and Steve Van Brockern discuss four critical stages in the life cycle that must be successfully completed for a balanced, well-adjusted life. The stages are based on Native American beliefs and practices. The authors clearly demonstrated the relationship between attachment issues and the resolution of each stage in their book, Reclaiming Youth At Risk. I have highlighted some of that information in this article to give you a better understanding of the long term effects of attachment problems.

An interesting thing about their material is that it differentiates between an insecure attachment -- which may lead to behaviors identified as "distorted" -- and completely unattached, which may lead to the behaviors described as "absent." Please note that not everyone who exhibits some of these behaviors has an attachment disorder.

These indicators must be looked at in relation to many other factors. A person would exhibit most or all them if he or she has attachment issues. These are submitted as guidelines that may indicate further investigation is needed into the individual's relationships with primary caregivers, parenting styles and the ability to connect to others.

Stage One: Attachment/Belonging

People with strong attachments often display the following characteristics and are well-adjusted:

• Friendship
• Cooperation
• Intimacy
• Respect
• Trust
• Love

People with distorted attachments often display the following characteristics and are still trying:

• Attention-seeking
• Crave affection
• Promiscuity
• Clinging
• Cult-vulnerability
• Gang-involvement
• Crave approval

People with absent attachments often display the following characteristics and have given up:

• Alienation
• Withdrawn
• Isolated
• Rejected
• Lonely
• Lacks affect
• Suspicious

Everyone needs to belong to a group that accepts them unconditionally, whether that is family, peers, school, work or otherwise. Young people who do not find these groups within their environment are susceptible to cults, gangs and other negative influences that offer a sense of acceptance and belonging. Even children who do not get their nurturance and attachment needs met by a parent may get those needs met by others.

While some argue that the biological parent must provide that attachment, others believe that need can be met in other ways. Teachers, extended family members, members of the clergy and other significant adults who believe in and pay attention to a child may form an attachment that can help children learn to trust and care about others, thus moving them through that stage.

Some groups that provide this sense of community and acceptance for adults are churches, support groups, clubs, civic groups, community groups, ethnic and cultural groups. Shared interests in scouts, art, music, reading or others may also provide a place for people to come together and get their belonging needs met.

Continued in Part 2

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.