SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

You most certainly are not alone in this difficult situation. All to many ex-spouses are forced into regular dealings with their ex's because of onging shared responsibilities toward children, finances, family, friends, etc.

Well let's start with immediate practicalities. As far as current dealings with your ex-spouse, try to decide ahead of time how you want to deal with him, e.g., assertive, direct, passive, detached, etc.

Then, as they say, "fake it 'till you make it." It's not easy, but it is possible. In other words, think first and work on keeping your feelings in check, rather than allowing yourself to feel first, and adjust your thinking later. Try to "act" in accord with how you want to feel. If you do this often, your feelings will eventually follow the lead of your conscious thinking.

Secondly, let's talk about the idea of forgiveness. Keep in mind that forgiveness is not the same as condoning. The things that were done to you will never be OK, and forgiveness will not make them so. When we resent someone, that person still has some power in our lives. Our thoughts and feelings flow toward them, often in an uncontrolled and overpowering manner, as you have described. Some people find themselves having thoughts about others during unrelated activities, like when they are trying to enjoy a hobby, or trying to have some down time. Their minds are filled with practice conversations, rehearing what they could have said, or will say next time, etc. it's all very draining and changes nothing.

When we forgive these people, it is as if we unplug them so that they no longer drain our power, our thoughts and our precious time. Pursuing forgiveness toward someone who still has the potential to hurt us is intended to benefit the forgiver - and not necessarily the forgiven.

The first and most important step is to decide if you are willing to forgive. This involves deciding to rid yourself of resentments which may feel like protection to you. They are not. Resentments only harm the person holding onto them.

More detailed steps to forgiveness are discussed in my book Encounters with Angels. Give some time and thought to the specific hurts you've experienced and the specific needs that went unmet. Then find some ritual to symbolize letting go.

For example, some people find relief in listing all their hurts on a piece of paper, then going to a special, perhaps meaningful spot (like a mountain top or beach) and setting that paper on fire, or burying it, or shredding it. Actually, many cultures have developed century-old variations on the theme of collecting or listing hurts and ridding ourselves of them in one symbolic way or another. It is very effective for many people. There are hundreds of not thousands of powerful and effective rituals.

The power of a ritual, by the way, is not in the act itself, but rather, in having established a marker in our minds where we can say, "Wait - I already went to the mountain-top and let go of this pain. I'm not going to open that old wound again now. I'm done with it so I'm going to XYZ and force myself to think about something else."

Much like a marriage ceremony is a marker in our minds, where we know that we are now making decisions as part of a unit, and not just as an individual. The ritual is an event that is designed to be so outstanding that our entire world knows and supports our decision to be united with our spouse. It is symbolic union, and that symbolism has reminders, like our wedding rings, perhaps a change in name, how we refer to each other (spouse, husband, wife, etc.) and perhaps even how we hold title to property. Once happened, this event will change how we think and act.

In a much smaller way, that's what a ritual to forgive and forget people who have hurt is designed to do - to free our thoughts and actions so we can get on with our lives.

In any case, forgiveness is easier said than done and is a process that takes time. Just keep in mind that you are worth the time and energy!

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.